My Rock Bottom Song (and what happens when I listen to it now...)
Have you ever connected deeply to a song during a particularly devastating time in your life?
Maybe you were given the old “it’s not me, it’s you” declaration, or maybe your best fur friend never came ‘round for her morning kibble ever again.
A few years ago, this was my “rock bottom” song…
Dark Night of the Soul
There I was, in the thick of lockdown, on the verge of burnout from co-founding a nonprofit whose aim was to empower women (LOL), going through a friend breakup with a person I once thought of as a sister, and unable to see any light out of any tunnel. And this song showed up and poured salt in my wound. Solo dance parties were one of the only permissible COVID activities that took the weight off my chest long enough for me to catch up with my breaths.
When this song came on the first time, I didn’t necessarily feel relieved; I felt like a giant baby. I crumpled to the floor in a fetal position and let the sadness of the uncertainty pour out of me. Sometimes, this is the only thing you can do.
When the song was over, I played it again.
And then again.
Like a drug, I was addicted to the sadness this song pierced, a sadness I hadn’t yet figured out how to soothe. A sadness I wouldn’t soothe for quite some years later, in fact.
The lyrics, the composition, and the broodiness of the singer’s voice struck a chord deep with me and made me feel seen in a way that no one around could seem to do. Though I continued to struggle for a while thereafter, the ENJOY YOUR LIFE lyric that echoed throughout the song must have planted a seed in my fragile psyche.
Brighter Days
I had forgotten about that song until it showed up on my Spotify as a recommended track yesterday on my drive from Peniche, a cute surfer town with mild temperatures, gorgeous cliffscapes, salty sardines, and, the best part, the ability to park for free in a camper. There are many bans on camper vans in Portugal, especially along the coast, which has made van life somewhat challenging.
After three lovely days and nights and a couple of satisfying surf sessions, I said goodbye to this beautiful city and continued my journey to my next housesit.
Halfway there, I was happily cruising along when I abruptly stopped and backed my car up to see a “giant fucking” 165-year-old eucalyptus tree. I guess need a bumper sticker that reads, Will Brake For Trees.
While stopped, I also snuck a pee in the overgrown brush and scarfed down an apple and peanut butter, a snack fit for a preschooler. When all was said and done, I continued onward.
Two seconds after pulling over to enjoy my life thoroughly…this song came on.
My heart immediately sank for the woman I was when this song touched me so.
My eyes filled with empathic tears, and I nearly missed my turn.
If only I could have told her what I knew now, that life would get so much better that sometimes it didn’t feel real like I was living some sort of dream life. I wake up in the most beautiful places, like dangling off a cliff, frolicking with friends in foreign cities, and walking shelter dogs along the way. Life is good, really good.
Okay, every now and then, life really gets my goat, like when a scared shelter dog nips me in the face and draws blood, or heaven forbid I can’t find a parking spot with a view - but I’m so far from the woman I was before—the woman who ached for a life that was more aligned, fulfilling, and satisfying. My only ache now is the occasional backache I wake up with after parking my van on a slight slant. This song is a reminder that self-work actually works and that putting effort into creating a life you are excited to wake up to pays off.
If you're currently experiencing a tough time, keep going. Stay focused on doing things that bring you joy, and things will get better little by little.